DETROIT, Mich. — Brad Grammer knows what it is like to be somewhat of an outcast seeking acceptance.
He grew up in church but found at an early age that he had a same-sex attraction that left him ostracized. Alone and rejected, he became depressed and suicidal.
Then he rediscovered Jesus, made the commitment to follow Him and experienced a change that can only be brought about by Christ’s transforming power.
“When I started having a same-sex attraction I kept it to myself. It scared me,” Grammer said. “If I was going to be a real boy I had to act a certain way and like sports. But I liked music, art and theater. I was beaten up and made fun of regularly in school. I felt I didn’t fit in this world.”
Grammer shared his story and the need to engage in meaningful relationships to raise the bar for loving people during a OneByOne luncheon at the District Grill Tuesday.
OneByOne is a Presbyterian-affiliated organization started in 1995 with a mission of educating and equipping the church to minister the transforming grace and power of Jesus Christ to those in conflict with their sexuality. Grammer has been affiliated with the ministry for 17 years.
He said not talking about something often communicates a negative message about the topic. In the church there are certain things not talked about, and sexuality is one of them.
A conversation with a youth minister and the words of Ephesians 2:8-9 (where Paul writes about God’s gift of salvation through faith) helped Grammer understand that Jesus was seeking him.
“He was pursuing me, offering me this free gift,” Grammer said, “I didn’t believe He could change me, but all I knew was I needed Jesus. I began to feel a change. No more depression or suicidal tendencies, no sexual attraction with males. It changed my sexual desires. I’ve not gone back. I’m not in denial.”
Grammer is married now with two children. A mentor for people struggling with same-sex attraction, he also is an ordained pastor in Indianapolis.
He told those attending the luncheon that he is a person who likes to tear things down and start over, erasing things and creating a new foundation, something he said Jesus was good at doing.
“He helped me erase the chalkboard on my same-sex attraction and shared a better way of thinking,” Grammer said.
That’s what he says people need to do in reaching others. No matter what our backgrounds, there is fundamental need to be known, to be loved and to be accepted.
“We’re created in the unique image of God,” Grammer said. “The Trinity relates with one another in community, and we’re to do the same. God has a design and a desire for our lives, and it is to grow and be healthy.”
People often are tripped up in their attempts to live such lives because of sin, defined by Grammer as anything that damages or destroys relationships with God. He observed that his experiences have taught him that most people don’t know the basics of relationships, therefore they go with their understanding of what it is like to relate with another person rather than follow God’s definition.
“Jesus told us to love our enemies,” Grammer said. “That is His expectation of love. When we don’t show that kind of love we have traumas in relationships.”
Grammer referred different types of traumas listed in the book Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You. Some of those included not being cherished by one’s parents, not having a parent understand who you are, not receiving non-sexual physical nurturing, not being given adequate food or medical care, and not being taught to develop personal resources and talents, to name a few.
Those traumas often lead to lack of trust, suppression of feelings, avoidance of pain/conflict, and protective mechanisms such as manipulation, anger, control of environment and addictive behaviors.
“We can do so much more in loving people well, but we have lowered the bar,” he said. “Dying to one’s self, giving life for another – these are incredible measures of love, but we’ve said this is too hard. God must have just made me this way.”
Grammer explained that everyone has some type of trauma in their life, and that’s what they have in common with people who are gay. It’s the response to those traumas that determines the relationships people will forge.
“We try to get our outside looking good, but we need to know what is going on inside, in our heart. We’ve got to clean up our inside,” he explained. “We need to know what causes us to sin. If we get to know a person’s heart, we can deal with what is outside because we know what is inside.”
That’s accomplished by communicating with others, by allowing God to stir within His children, even those who may be distraught or confused, no knowing who or what they are.
“Listen, ask questions, pursue a person’s heart,” Grammer said. “God wants to speak directly to our hearts, and He will tell us what we need to hear. Jesus spoke very strongly about this. Be the person who leads the way. If we can look at our hearts, we can help others by reaching theirs.
“Pursue people. Let them you know we can love so much better.”
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This is a real life testimony of the triumph of living a life in the love and care of Jesus.