Pastor explains how
God changed his heart
By Edward Terry, The Layman, July 19, 2010
MINNEAPOLIS – When the Rev. Brad Grammer talks with his inner-city parishioners, it’s not the usual questions and small talk that follow a worship service.
“It’s this really interesting blend of all kinds of people. I had to realize there’s a whole other world out there that I don’t see reflected in a lot of other churches,” he said. ““I ask questions like ‘Are you on your meds? You need to stay on your meds’ or ‘Have you talked to your probation officer?’”
He describes the demographic breakdown in mostly unfamiliar categories: homeless, sex addicts, “punks” and homosexuals.
Yet the group, described by Grammer as a mostly 20-something unchurched crowd, sets an example through its love-filled, close-knit community that could benefit every congregation.
Rev. Brad Grammer
In four years as pastor, Grammer has been transformed by the love he has experienced among groups of people that are rarely accepted by society, and even less by the Church.
“The people we would never pick to be around normally, I’ve come to love,” he said. “People that used to really irritate and frustrate me, I’ve come to love. It’s awesome to me to see how God can change my heart.”
Grammer also has learned how the church has mistreated people like those in his congregation.
Missed opportunities
Grammer was the keynote speaker at the OneByOne Luncheon on July 6 at the 219th General Assembly. The title of the program was “Ministry to the Homosexual Struggler.” Grammer, who is pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Indianapolis and a long-time counselor for homosexual men, shared his own struggles with same-sex attractions and how the church can provide a place for redemptive healing.
His talk offered a unique perspective on ministering to marginalized communities, especially those who are struggling with same-sex attractions. Grammer shared from a survey of approximately 40 people who have struggled with same-sex attraction and their personal experiences with the church.
Mostly the comments were negative, but Grammer hopes to share the results of the survey with churches in an effort to reverse the mistreatment.
The results were divided into three categories:
- How the church has done a good job – Participants had good experiences when church members listened to them, didn’t describe their sin as worse than anyone else’s, didn’t treat them like a project and created a safe place. Grammer emphasized the need for churches to listen and ask questions. “One conversation alone can really impact a person’s life,” he said. “Sometimes that can make all the difference in the world.”
- How the church has failed – Grammer listed several factors, including indifference, avoidance and lack of teaching on the subject. He told about one man who was told by his pastor that he should be castrated because he’ll never overcome his unwanted same-sex attraction. The story was met with a few gasps from the audience. He also asked the rhetorical question “How many of you have been guilty of sending someone to a counselor and never talking to them again?”
- How the church can help – Grammer kept this one simple: “One word – Relationhips.” While ministering at gay bars in Chicago, he said that he heard many stories of rejection by the church. “If we were doing a good job, that wouldn’t happen,” he said.
He lifted up James 5:16 to the group and encouraged them to find in it a simple answer to sometimes difficult ministry situations.
“I don’t have to be an expert on homosexuality to help somebody,” he said. “Just have a place to confess whatever you want to confess to me, we’ll pray together and God will do the work. … It’s a simple process of being there and listening in a safe place.”
Grammer encouraged luncheon guests to develop four kinds of relationships within the church:
- Nurturing – He described this relationship as a grandmother/grandfather type, who puts their arm around you and says “I’ve been praying for you.” Nurturing appears to be a key aspect of Redeemer’s ministry. “These homeless men coming to my church, nobody hugs them because they smell and they are nasty and mean. I hug them anyway, and they love it. … They’ll be sitting there waiting for their hug.” Grammer said not to diminish the little things that impact people’s lives – like hugging or praying for them. He also warned that nurturing and affirming are not the same. He said churches need to speak the truth in love.
- Mentoring – Grammer said a person who is mature in their faith can help others learn life skills and provide them with a helpful relationship.
- Peer – He quoted Galatians 6:2, and reminded participants that Christians are supposed to walk together in an intimate way. “The people walking with you are just as messed up as you – just differently. That’s the beauty of being in a relationship with Christ. He doesn’t look at you as a messed up person.”
- Family relationships – Help those who have never had positive “family” relationships, such as dinner table conversations. He explained how he has opened up his family, which includes a wife of 17 years and two children, to others for this purpose. “Some people have never had that experience,” he said. “Making yourself available as a family to someone’s healing. Open up your family and let God work.”
Grammer closed with a poignant quote from somebody struggling with same-sex attraction: “God calls us to be holy, period. Everything lines up behind that. Heterosexual people don’t go to heaven. Redeemed people go to heaven. My biggest need was not to give up being gay or overcoming homosexuality, my biggest need was for redemption. … I learned that apart from Christ there is only therapy, but with Christ there is healing. I’m not free from the opportunity to sin, but because of His grace I’m free from the power of sin. I no longer struggle with homosexual attractions or sexual addictions, but that was never the goal.”
He then encouraged the group to focus on relationships and ask God to show them what it means to love somebody really well.
“That alone is a lifelong mission that’s worth pursuing,” Grammer said.